didordied

Last night I took a break from the NBA Playoffs to watch The Hills “Episode 26:  A Date With the Past” with my chihuahua.  Following the episode, I grabbed my mail to find that my membership card in the FHA (Future Homos of America) had arrived in all its laminated glory.

In Episode 26, The Hills were alive with the cackles of spoiled morons who all make more money than I . . . much like episodes 1 through 25.  I am VERY jealous.  In the episode, L.C., Lo, and Audrina move into their newly rented home in Hollywood.  L.C. announces that they just have to have the most bestest housewarming party.  Amazing foreshadowing by MTV’s crack team of writers.  Oh, my mistake, it’s a reality show.  Right.

And you’ll never believe whom L.C. invited to the bash.  You got it!  Stephen Colletti, L.C.’s former flame.  Lo just couldn’t believe it.  She suggested that she always wanted L.C. and Stephen to be together.  But if you ask me, Lo has been learning a lil’ sumthin’ sumthin’ in college (I think she’s in college because she was wearing a UCLA sweatshirt in the episode, but she may have just taken the sweatshirt from some dude) and is using mind tricks from her psych classes to keep L.C. to herself.  That is low, Lo!

My favorite part of the episode was when Stephanie Pratt met up with her toothy brother Spencer at a place called Karma Coffeehouse.  I used to like Karma until I learned that it was infected with Prattpox.  Spencer questions his sister’s loyalty to him after she announces that she’s going to L.C.’s party.  But that Stephanie is a regular Gloria Allred and turned the tables when she reminded good ol’ Spence that he once befriended her ex.  The highlight was when the two Rhodes Scholars debated the hottest legal issue – whether a date to semi-formal qualified as a bf or not.  I’d like to say that I hadn’t heard the term “semi-formal” since high school, but alas, it was just recently brought up in my presence during a discussion started by my oldest friend regarding rooms in his parents’ home that I used for sex.  I actually think it was more of an awkward and vigorous dry-hump after seeing ex gf’s boobs for the first time.  I’m pretty sure I drove home with a load in my shorts.  At least they were boardshorts and, therefore, absorbent.

Incidentally, remember when you were younger and dry-humping was something to write home about…what kind of freaky home did you live in?

Heidi, Spence’s equally demonic half, was equally pissed about Stephanie’s plans to go to L.C.’s housewarming party.  Heidi questions Stephanie’s loyalty like a good little mafiosa.  Stephanie lays down like a…well, like a whore on The Hills, under the pressure of Heidi’s high-pitched, “what would make you think I’d be okay with this?”  Look out John Gotti.  I’m thinking I should update my mafia reference in light of referring to a dead guy.

Major moment at the party . . . Justin Bobby cut off his long hair.  Relax, he’s still a huge jerk-off.  He tries to pass himself off as some tough biker guy.  I’d like to see him try the routine if Chuck Zito was around.

I’ll skip most of the other details to get to the point of the episode.  L.C. and Stephen go out to dinner at Il Cielo.  These kids are made of cash.  Gotta’ love Stephen saying “money” to the waiter when he brought his food.  Can Il Cielo require an IQ test before taking a reservation?

L.C. looked a little hurt when Stephen indicated that he just wanted to be friends.  But she saved her rep (which I think is as a girl who made a sex tape) when she got home and convincingly told Lo that she didn’t want to be with Stephen ’cause she’s not high school anymore.  In hindsight, it may not have been convincing at all for two reasons:  (1) Lo is going to see the episode and L.C.’s sad face over dinner; and (2) SHE IS STILL HIGH SCHOOL.  You live with Lo from . . . hmm, let me see . . . high school.  And you know Stephen from where again . . . ah, that’s right, high school.  And your entire show is based on . . . what was it again . . . oh yeah, drama with Heidi from high school.

I gotta’ tell ya.  I can’t get enough of this shit!  I’m hooked.  I guess I’m fascinated with the way that people who get rich doing nothing can overcomplicate their lives. 

I did this episode and you should too.