didordied


Chronicles of Narnia

I am Prince Caspian and I’m a total pussy. I liked the first movie, although i really think the effects were done by some lion obsessed 12 year old with a first release G4. When your lion looks like a dude in a bad cat suit you’ve got problems. Okay so maybe the lion looked alright, but the bear, that was a dude in a suit. The only thing he was missing was a diaper and masturbation. Thats right folks i referenced a masturbating bear.

The sequel to chronicles features prince Caspian (see the pussy above). The way i see it is his only role in the movie is to let all the racist (or whatever you call the people who hate Narnians for no other reason than the fact that they are Narnians) go home at the end of the movie because they are so disgusted with the idea of living near the Narnians that an unpredictable future in another land- any fucking land – is better.

Overall, if you can get over how much of a fuck up the prince is, you’ll like this movie. Oh Oh, and if you like magic, i loves the magic, i believe in it too. Especially if you believe that blowing in a horn can make 4 prepubescent children come to your town, then you’ll really love this movie. Seriously though, you’ll get your fill of fighting, guys dressed up as horses, horned beasts, and a tiger. Kinda like West Hollywood on Halloween.

The only thing i dont understand is why this movie is PG and Iron man, which has way less fighting and death, is PG 13. Please someone explain that to me.

I did Narnia, and shes a ho. You should do her too, if you get the chance.



Nanban-Kan Restaurant

I used to know a guy named Man-bun, but Nanban-Kan is a restaurant. He was also Chinese and this place is Japanese, so big difference for us Californians not-so-much for the mid-westerners.

We decided to grab a light dinner before going to see Ironman and the destination of choice was Nanban-Kan, a Japanese Hibachi / Yakitori restaurant in West Los Angeles. If you haven’t been here before you will inevitably be confounded by the parking situation. I’m fairly certain whoever altered this parking lot reads a lot of Bizzaro Superman comics. The complex they are in has been under construction for somewhere near a year now and maybe this can be an excuse for the lousy parking- but at best an excuse. As you drive into the parking lot, mind you this is after you have found it, and finding it is not simple, you find that all the cars are parked the opposite way of in which you are driving. The immediate thought is that you went in the wrong entrance, but you didn’t, this is the only entrance, and its just a bizarre alternative to the usual. I cursed, many times as i tried to turn my car around so as to conform to the others. With the vehicle taken care of it was time to eat.

This place has been around for 30 years, and is filled with regulars. Its location primes the Japanese pump and many a local feasts here daily. Some even bring their own food. Luckily enough we were there early and had some of the reserved signs moved off of a table so that we may partake. The rooms and tables are tiny, so if you are above average size or grotesquely obese, i suggest take out. Its better for you that way anyway, no one to stare at the mass quantities that you shove down your gullet, no one to wonder if its the wasabi or your morbid obesity that is making your eyes water

Speaking of gullets- the menu is filled with items that you rarely see at Bennigans. Oh – yes you got me, Benny’s isn’t Japanese cuisine, okay Benihana. Sorry off topic again- menu- thats right the menu has some rarities on it. Chicken gullet, chicken liver, chicken feet (this is from memory so it might be off a bit- but you get the picture) the one that caught my eye was Chicken Balls. My first thought was that is sooooooo not going to fill me up. Followed quickly by the thought- chicken balls, is that like the Japanese version of prairie oysters. (Oh- and as an unrealted side not- Don’t order DingleBerry Ice cream and Baskin Robbins- just dont do it). Sadly to say Chicken Balls are only a chicken meatball done on a japanese barbeque. tasty though- made me wonder how it would be to have the real thing- Step it up NanBan-Kan, step it up- lets see some real chicken ball son the menu next time. I bet prep time is a killer on those.

So as to not drag this review on beyond the point of oblivion, cause im getting bored writing it, and i’m sure with the average United States Americans (yes that’s a beauty pageant reference) attention span, i lost you at grotesquely obese. Here’s what you get:

Peanut dipping sauce and a salad to start- tasty enough. The sauce actually allows me to tolerate the taste of a raw carrot. My theory on raw carrots in restaurants- DON’T.

Then we ordered a variety of items. the tastiest of all of these was the corn. Simple fresh local ingredient done to perfection. Really- there was nothing on this corn but butter and salt. It was cooked to perfection (i’m betting they boil it first then throw it on the BBQ) the light charring on the kernels made the thing to die for.

Black cod, nicely done but nothing to wake up in the middle of the night for- nor the middle of the day. I love naps.

Pork Wrapped Asparagus. Now this one they stole straight from the Coliseum hot dog vendors. (Have you had the dogs wrapped in bacon- AKA Diarrhea Dogs- Yum- serious yum) NanBan-Kan style- replace hot dog with asparagus = gourmet diarrhea dog- okay okay- it was delicious, but still a stolen Los Angeles art form. Nicely done. (BTW you cannot get the Coliseum dogs anymore . There is a law prohibiting grilling of dogs on dog carts in Los Angeles.)

Most of the things we had at NanBan-Kan were average to above average with the corn being spectacular. However, one item stands out among the rest as being just freakin awful and that was the rice. Its as if they didn’t cover the rice as it was cooking and just kept adding water. Thank you for the rice reminiscent mush- this is exactly what i would expect from a restaurant who’s cuisine is based on a culture that has rice as its main staple. MMMmmmmm- maybe it was a fuck you from the chef for ordering rice, it didn’t seem to be a popular item.

Nanban-Kan an above average Japanese restaurant that serves stellar corn, above average in most dishes, has a nice atmosphere, is well decorated, and serves the worst rice in Los Angeles.

K- well- i did Nanban-Kan and I think you should too- at least for the corn. Do It



Star Wars Animated Fiasco: coming to a theater this summer.

Did you know that there was a Star Wars Preseq,middle of the- umm its somewhere before Leia gets knocked up and its after Padame becomes enamored with a kid who is at least 7 years younger than her. Lucas loves out of the norm sexual relations: Luke and Leia…. Padame and Annie…. (made that lezzy on prpose- lucase should have as well)

In Lucas’s long struggle against acting, he has finally found a medium that will get rid of any shed of human relation to the screen actor. He almost accomplished this with his choice to have Hayden Christensen play Anakin Skywalker. I would have rather seen the little kid do the whole series, as annoying as he was he was a slightly better actor, and it would have been hysterical to see him in the Vader suit at the end. The only thing better would be to put Jonah Hill in the Vader suit at the end and have him make some bionic cock joke.

This one is a totally animated adventure and discusses the time of the clone wars. I’m mildly interested. However, a quote from Lucas, in the Los Angeles Times Article, worries me, “There really isn’t any story to tell there,” the filmmaker said.. Truth be told George, we kinda knew that already. He also goes on to say that this transformation of Anakin into Darth is really the interesting part of the tale. Yes, maybe it could have been, but you already fucked that up with Revenge of the Sith. Truly did anyone really go see that movie to see the transformation of Anakin, or did we go to see an hour of Darth Vader killing off Jedis. Dissappointed again, but I wont vent on the old SW movies here. (I know… too late)

The cartoon- I mean, animated film will have a follow up television show. Fuck- in my desperation and hope for something that resembles the original series ill end up wasting my time and watching these. Damn you Lucas- you wizard, how do you make me watch your crap.

And when i do- did it! I’ll post that magnificent review right here!



Enchanted, completely enchanted, oh so silly, and sweet and cute- WTF whats wrong with me?
May 7, 2008, 11:07 am
Filed under: Moopiechops, Movie Reviews, movies | Tags:

Oh enchanted your my little wicked pantless elf, running the four seasons through my living room. My wife picked this movie- and i pleaded with her not to, i said honey, there are only two things that can happen when we watch this; 1. I hate it, and you love it, and you hate me for hating it, (think back to Sex in the City, Medium, Queer as Folk, Where the boys arent– oh no wait, i loved that one….2. I love it and you think im gay- end of marriage, however possibility of getting in better shape and going to boys town. I love boys town, all the tight pants and Hanes snuggies. Its like a winter wonderland with balls as Xmas ornaments.

Alright i’ve scared myself enough. I really did try to hate this movie- i really tried hard, and there are plenty of moments where Patrick Dempsey is on screen and you think to yourself what an ass- not like in the gay way, as in Ooooh snuggle those shorts over here, what an ass- but the, what an ass on the douche bag side of assness. Well, i couldnt hate it. Not Dempsies ass- that i hate, but the movie i couldnt. It was well enough done and made light of the usually disney crap enough that i giggled like a sexually confused waxed chested little boy- yes my wife made me wax before we watched this, and Uncle Billy was there too- really weird night.

Anyway the movie is: Cartoon, song dance, real life, song dance, big fight, the end. Some dance scenes i swear were right out of Batman and Robin- they were gay.

One thing to mention is the main character, as all princesses in Disney movies, has a alarmingly close relationship with the wild kingdom. She has the ability, through song and dance of course, to make the animals do her bidding. For instance in one scene she decides she needs to clean- cue the whistle, cue the music- bam pigeons and rats clean the house. I was wondering what would happen if you placed her in the woods, and beat her a bit, just so shes bleeding a little. Then cue the hungry bear. Nature versus nurture, whistle and sing, rip and tear……

I did enchanted and enchanted did me back- i dont think i would watch it again, but i know i will. Especially since my wife already said “lets watch it again!”



Review of the humans: err yeah i think they are…
May 6, 2008, 7:21 am
Filed under: Humans, Moopiechops | Tags: ,

The weekend passed away, yes another dead weekend, rather sad, but yet not uneventful. There is a review of a movie that i will post shortly, I’m procrastinating, or maybe just teasing the the keyboard with my thoughts. However, some things just can’t wait.

I review for you the humans, my neighbors. This will be an ongoing series of ponderings and useful brain oozings about an experiment of people (its got to be an experiment) that live next door to me. I’ll fill in the background as i post so as not to reveal all the delicious detail all at once. (I don’t want anyone to have a info overload orgasm of holy shit how do you live next to them).

I’ll be brief:

1. family of 3 (sometimes 4), 2 years ago 5 (sometimes7).

2. Non U.S. born. (i’m not either – but i love the flavor that statement brings)

3. Crazy as all fuck. (They deny this, I’ve commented on it to them before, yet still no sign of a proclamation of insanity from any of them)

This Sunday i played golf, as is my habit. Short game- 9 holes- 50 shots, some swearing and a lot of amazement of how a ball can curve so much. I came back and picked up the family to get some breakie at the local farmer’s market. Pull the car up, pile my family in, back out of the drive way, and pull away down the street. I get five feet and out of the corner of my eye i notice the offering.

They must be providing appeasement to the gods. It’s got to be some blossoming of summer ritual where an offering will, i dont know, umm bring them more useless crap throughout the year. The scene stands; in front of an immensely trunked tree that stands on the city side of their sidewalk, they have placed the following collection of items.

1. Box o’ Can’s: These are not soda cans offered to the homeless as a gesture humanity. No these are old (I do mean old they must have been sitting empty for years) canned vegetables. All of them open, and rusting puking out the smells of past vegetation. Oh look a fly.

2. Box o’ Shoes: A collection of some of the finest foot wear a man or woman could come by. Beautifully hand crafted, is that a urine stain on that one, oh my, please keep the children away and call the CDC.

3. Splatter o’ shit: I wasn’t sure of some of the content, there was a lamp, or some type of candle holder painted in dust. It looked like it had been in the kitchen, it had that grime on it that you find when you decide to clean the very top of the cabinet that is nearest your stove top. Greasy grimy fuck all, jesus chirst i need gloves just to look at this shit.

4. Ironing Board: i wanted to leave that one by itself, it didn’t fit neatly into any of the other categories. Just a plain old ironing board. With stains, and rust, and rips, a complete beaut…..

Mind you none of this is very amusing by itself, but what is great is the crayon 3rd grader hand written sign that was placed as a direction to all ye who cometh by… (it was actually on top of the cans, but i’m assuming it applied to all items) “Free: Please Take”

My laughter could not be held in. They actually felt the need to put everyone on notice that this shit you can take. “The shit i have over here is free for the world. I stored it for a while, I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve decided that it has stayed with me long enough”- so come on world its here for you.

It’s still sitting there, and i suspect it will be for a while….



Young At Heart Finale
May 2, 2008, 9:33 pm
Filed under: Movie Reviews | Tags: , , ,

In case anyone is interested I found a YouTube video that shows the last song form Young@Heart. I love the creative use of breathing apparatus as un-metered metronome. And to all the people that think this is good- or touching or anything like that- its NOT, its just really bad… But then again- I don’t have a heart, and I’m not sure this guy has much of one left. – i’m sorry that was low…. good effort…



This American Life: Live from New York

I was really excited for This American Life Live from New York. I waited too long to get tickets in West L.A. so we had to travel all the way to Burbank to partake in the experience. We left work early and made the trek from Venice to Burbank. Google’s estimates on this are so LA. 30 minutes – however up to 2 hours in traffic. Thankfully we escaped with a life charge of 1 hour. You’re luck my wife loves you Ira Glass

We got to the theater early and were captivated, because for about an hour they showed people being seated in the NYC theater. I felt a little bad for the New Yorkers, all bundled up in coats, its freakin may people get a grip its hot outside- oh yeah – not for you- greatest city in the world my ass. I’m sure it was great waiting outside the theater to get the prime seats. I’m also sure that it was a thrill to hear the phrase “all the way to the front people” uttered by the ushers. You could see the heartbreak on the faces as they released their death grips from the prime middle of the house seats and defeated made their way all the way to the front. Enjoy…

Back in L.A., I mean Burbank, my wife and i had staked out the prime middle seats. 15 minutes before the show and only one dude was sitting one seat away from my wife. But then of course, tragedy happened. And you have to understand, I Need My Space Bubble. When i go to the movies the usual buffer is 2 seats in either direction- it took me two years to break that down to one with my wife, and only recently have we actually started sitting side by side. Cue up the retarded blond and her friend. Mind you – the theater is 99% empty at this point. And there they are closer closer- ASS IN CHAIR, Bam direct right, and arm contact. I will need to wash this arm for days- who knows what this slut has. The show now officially sucks. My desire to watch the show did somehow overcome the rape of my space bubble. (It should be a freakin crime- Vince get on that!!).

Some people have described the Fog of War, well today i saw the Fog of Liberals as they ooozed their blue state liberal asses into the theater seats and mumbled their hatred of everything American. Don’t get me wrong i consider myself a liberal, but that theater was filled with uber liberals- i was tempted to call the CIA. In fact I think if the CIA would have been doing their job right, there would have been a choreographed terrorist attack on every theatre (yes i just spelled it theatre) that was showing this.

The warm up for the show is about 1000 hang man puzzles about Mathew Mconoghey- (I’m not going to take the time to spell this Texas ass-holes name right) It was fun for about a minute or so.
And the show beings….

The pieces were for the most part terrific. I don’t want to give too much away because im sure it will be available. The topics are:

1. Horse Riding in NY.

2. Couples stories: and how we remember things in such interesting ways.

3. The Iraq war: with a real Iraqi, (a good piece but depressing overall because it shows how little Americans really think and question whats told to them.

4. Kid Comedians: which i felt ill to see but ended up being pretty good. Most of the kids had the confidence of beaten kittens.

5. Dental Floss and Prison Escapes: thats all there is to say.

6. 12 Year Old Porno Script: the 12 year old has an interesting take on sex.

Even with the Liberal Ooze the show was great. The Iron Man crowd was leaving at the same time we were and I really thought they were going to kick our ass just for the hell of it.